HAHA

"You bluffed me! I don't like it when people bluff me. It makes me question my perception of reality."
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Cicely, 1992


These are the times that I cherish the most. I guess the meds are really working. The past few months I have been on edge. So much so that I have had the feeling that maybe I should just pick up and leave – just with the clothes on my back and just start walking. I have no destination in mind. I just want to get away from everything that annoys the crap out of me.


I know the typical sayings: “You aren’t the only one” or “There are worse things out there”. Well in my mind and in my world, there are things that push me to the edge. I would go into detail but I assure you or rather, I assure myself, I am working on getting over it.


Since I turned 30 this year, I have had more people ask me my age than I can imagine! Amazing. It’s okay though because most of the time they tend to figure me to be way younger – I definitely appreciate the compliments!


At work, my newest manager (I honestly think she is on the 2 year plan) came up with the fantabulous suggestion that along with our self evaluations that we need to list our 3 personal goals for the New Year. In this instance I surprised myself and I refrained from being sarcastic – however in my case I have been told that it is all in my DELIVERY – so that just means that everything that comes out my mouth will be scrutinized and essentially be seen as me being a smart ass. Anyway here are my (top) 3 personal goals for 2009:


1. Enroll in school to finish getting a degree so I can get the hell out of Dodge
2. Focus on having a more healthy lifestyle (I am not looking to be a size 2 but I am tired of being a size 20)
3. Become financially independent (Living with Mother is proving to be more difficult)


I figured that these goals are more realistic and tangible than the whole getting married and having children dreams that I once fantasized about. In truth I pray that those two will happen but if not I guess I am prepared to become the auntie with all the cats and no husband. (I just made myself laugh).

OBAMA!!!

This post is late too:


November 5th, 2008


Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided; Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

November 4th was Election Day but the wonder of it all was felt on November 5th. My niece and nephew can now truly know that they can do anything they put their mind to. My parents were not subjected to separate but equal however I have met a few of those people and read a few of those books. I never would’ve thought in my lifetime I would witness this monumental change. Yes he used the word change A LOT however it is that word that needed to come alive. Now that we have breathed life into it, we must keep it alive. We need to nurture it, feed it make sure that CHANGE is kept safe.

I woke up this morning feeling that I can do something with my life. I felt that I can do the impossible. Now it is up to me to take the first step to make those impossibilities possible.

My Own Advice

This is an entry I should’ve made but never really got around to:

November 1st 2008


What some people would call paradise I call simply living. In truth most people would call it just that. I've found myself visiting the Lakefront. I sit here listening and smelling the salty water. It is quite calming. This is definitely something I can get use to. I wish though that when I returned home it was into my own home (or even an apartment if you prefer). I wish when I got there all of my dreams were real ... warmth, husband, child(ren) ... however that isn't what is written for me as of yet. I know God has a plan. Me being human, I get impatient. He being God - tells me to chill out, be still, I got you ...


I need to follow my own advice and pray when I get discouraged. It’s hard though. I pride myself in not caring about what people think - especially those that aren't a part of my immediate family. I can't seem to talk to anyone though. And honestly with all that is going on in the world, I can understand why they don't want to bother.


If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? ***Scott Adams, US cartoonist (1957 - )***

Middle Ground

Chaque fin doit avoir un commencement
Ainsi chaque commencement doit avoir une extrémité

Life in the Slow Lane

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill

Life in the Slow Lane

 

There really isn’t much to me . . . I like to chill, read a good book, listen to good music – btw, if you are reading this you should visit my myspace page: www.myspace.com/yenhpad - There you will find a few tracks that I HIGHLY recommend. L&G – party music, 2Shae – positive rap.

Anyway, it is a Thursday and I woke up at 830 in the morning and I actually felt refreshed. It’s been a long time since I felt that way. I’ve been on the computer pretty much all day but that is cool cause I was able to do quite a few things (multitasking is a gift).

There really isn’t much going on with me right now. I am taking everything that comes at me and I am dealing. I put on my smile (that many have requested) and I move on. I am 30 years old and I FINALLY realized that NO ONE really cares about what is going on in my life or in my mind. So there it is – whatever is bugging me I will have to act like it isn’t there.

I am not here today to complain. I am SO over that. I am here just to say that I know it can’t get any worse but even if it does then it’s my problem that I will have to figure out how to deal with it.

(As much as I love him, I might have to seriously let him go)

Don’t be alarmed – that was a random thought. I do that once in a while.

I really love Erykah Badu. I think her music is deep and peaceful. She makes me think. She also reminds me that I really need to try and reconnect myself spiritually.

Gnarls Barkley is another artist I’ve only recently come to listen to. I am going to have to listen to his recent album (The Odd Couple) one more time to see what it is that it is saying to me. The sound is a bit of funk mixed with Neo-Soul. Of course – I like it.

(Misty evenings can lead to sumptuous nights; Looking into your eyes sometimes makes me feel like I am drowning; So deep, real deep; Like I can see your soul; Can you see mine?)

Choices and Change

The end of one journey is always the beginning of another. Change is painful and always comes with a cost. It hurts to bear those costs, but we cannot allow that to sway us. Tomorrow is a mystery. The only thing we can do is face it with resolve. We move forward, always forward and into what's next. We make a choice. We act on that choice. And all that's left is to live and hope. ***Jordan Collier - The 4400, Season 3***

Mon coeur est lourd avec tristesse

When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?

***Epictetus , Discourses Roman (Greek-born) slave & Stoic philosopher (55 AD - 135 AD)***

These past few days have hurt. It hurt to do what I feel had to be done. Lord only knows if it was right. I pray it was the right thing to do. If I didn't then the anger would be building so much that I would've been engulfed in it. The thing is that it is not anger I am feeling, it is sadness. This sadness is so deep, it is starting to hurt. Sleeping sucks and when I have to be awake, I'm sleepy or just not connected to this planet.

It seems that I am destined to have a life full of hard, heart aching decisions. There are times when I just feel like ending it all. Yea, yea, yea ... I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last. But I'm not talking about anyone else but me. I feel like crap and I wish for once in my life that things could work in my favor.

A simple life seems like the hardest thing to attain. A husband & children ... nothing fancy ... maybe even an apartment or a house. I want to love and be loved.

Suffering

Non seulement cela; exultons, aussi, dans nos difficultés, comprenant que les difficultés développent la persévérance, et persévérance développe un caractère examiné, quelque chose qui nous donne l'espoir et un espoir qui ne nous laisseront pas vers le bas, parce que l'amour de Dieu a été versé dans nos coeurs par le Saint-Esprit qui nous a été donné (5:3-5 de Romains)

La route avant mo

Psaumes 46:10

Soient toujours et reconnaissent que je suis Dieu, des nations finies suprêmes, suprêmes au-dessus du monde.

As a human I find it very hard at times to remember that God is in control of everything. I know that if I truly placed my life into His hands then everything will turn out just the way it is supposed to. But like I said I am HUMAN. Unfortunately it seems that I look forward to learning things the hard way.

Patience is something that I have encountered and I have become well acquainted with. However, I am not sure if Patience is always present with me. That’s okay because sometimes the people that I come in contact with take my “kindness for weakness”. I have to keep them in check.

Back to the subject at hand: God is in control, He places roads in front of me and it is my responsibility to make the decisions of which direction I should take. Whatever the decision, I know that He only wants the best for me.

Everything I want is now, now, now. Why can’t I get it that it just inst going to happen that way? I guess I am as stubborn as they come. I get sad and discouraged. I cry A LOT. I forget that God the Father has a plan. I forget that God, the Holy Spirit is my guide. I forget that God the Son is my one and only true friend. Then I remember that regardless, He is listening and is waiting with open arms. I love HIM.

Pensées Aléatoires (Random Thoughts)

Last night seemed to be a good night for me. I slept well, and woke up refreshed. So I must quote Ice Cube – “It was a good day”.

There are a few things that are changing in my life. Nothing drastic – so you don’t have to worry. I am slowly but surely becoming a vegetarian (like a catepillar into a butterfly). I am thinking of dreading my hair. Right now it is chopped off and twisted. A lot of people would consider these changes to be drastic – thankfully I could care less of what people think.

What drives me bananas is a person going extra hard to be “down”. I say: Just be yourself – you’ll be accepted easier that way.

Life hands out lemons – some people say make lemonade – I say use the lemons to make some good old Harry Iced-Tea (Everyone from the Block knows my dad’s Iced-Tea).

There are a lot of lessons out there for me to learn, I am truthfully not ready to encounter those lessons. It is hard you know, knowing that there is something around the corner just waiting to test your faith and patience.

Just because he calls you, doesn’t mean he wants to father your 12 children!

Just because she smiles and accepts the Shirley Temple doesn’t mean that she will become the fantasy girl in your dreams!

For the record – I am NOT a democrat nor am I a republican – I am an INDEPENDENT voter. I hold no alliances. When I go in the booth, I have to choose the LESSER of 2 evils.

Qui, ce qui, quand, où, pourquoi et comment

Who do I see myself spending the rest of my life with?
What do I want to do when I grow up?
When do I plan on getting my life in order?
Where do I want to be?
Why do I feel like I should settle for less?
How can I make my vision better than ever?

Laissez-nous emballement

As of recently I have had this feeling that I just want to get up and runaway. I know that will not solve any of my issues or even get rid of them but I just wish I could get away.

However, there are times when I do runaway. I escape to live the lives of the characters in romance novels. I imagine myself sometimes as one the characters and sometimes as a voyeur. (Yes, I do know what it means). Anyway that is the easiest way for me to go about getting away from my life.

….As the sun proceeded to set; Jacqueline looked into Kevin’s brown eyes and knew that she would be his forever. He was everything that she wanted in a man, a life partner, a friend. She just realized exactly what it is that she has been feeling – she loved him! For the first time since Tommy decided that he no longer wanted to be married she found love again. Gently Kevin took her into his arms and it was the best place that she could ever imagine to be....

There isn’t anything in my life that would warrant me having a reality show. I usually keep everything in my life low profile. However I think I have reached a point where there are things that I want but I am coming to terms that there are things that I just can’t and won’t have.

In realizing this I my values have not diminished, however, I now know what it is that I am entitled to. That includes STABILITY. I am learning to be stable on my own. I am making mistakes and learning from them … that is one of those things about making mistakes … you LEARN from them.

So while I dream to runaway, I always know that there is a point that I will have to return back to my reality. It’s okay, just as long as I have the option to RUNAWAY.

Journal intime d'une femme de couleur folle

First I would like to say; for the most part I am not angry. I like to laugh and I do like to have fun. But there are several things in this life that really gets my goat. One of those things that is at the top of my list is a man that cannot control his anger and decides that it is ok to place his hands on a woman. Of course when I say this, it is in no way shape or form a lovingly gesture.

I’ve been there and done that. My ex-boyfriend at the end of our relationship decided that he would let me know in quite a few different ways that I was nothing without him. One of those ways included hitting me. Oh I was livid, but that was definitely my wakeup call. My mother did not raise me to be that dependent on a man. I have all the ability in the world to screw up and get it back right, I don’t need a man to do any of that.

I am in no way shape or form saying that I don’t need a man. I am just saying that there is a line. And he crossed it. I recently had the displeasure in learning that someone close to me experienced the hand across the face. Sadly she is kind of stuck in the disillusion that she can change him. We tried explaining to her that only he can decide to make that change and only he can implement that change. She isn’t budging . . .

I wish the women out there (black, white, yellow, red, purple) would open their eyes and realize that they are valuable. I want them to know that they deserve all the finest things in life. Whether it is jewels, flowers or a simple smile - women deserve to be respected.

Perte pour des mots

It has been a while since I made an entry; I guess it is because I haven’t had much to write about. Or rather maybe the things on my mind aren’t things that I want to put down on paper.

Anyway, here I am again trying to think of something witty to say but all the words escape me. I guess it happens . . .

To end
We must begin
When we begin
We strive to reach to an end
So that we can begin again

Cette chose a appelé l'amour

This thing called loved starts with a flutter in the heart.
Then of course the eyelashes flutter and then a smile.
A kiss evolves that doesn’t include the tongue.
The heart feels full and content and the lungs feel spent.

This thing called love will make tears flow from the eyes.
It’ll making the heart ache and the smile turn upside down.
Love will still fill the heart, but the door to the heart would be shut.

How can I love you and know that eventually my heart will break?
Will you be able to put the pieces back together?
Will I be able to move along when the pieces are shattered?

I witness almost everyday this thing called love. Sometimes I am just an onlooker into someone else’s heart. I have witnessed the pain of when the love is one-sided. I have also seen and been a part of the love drama when the 2 sides just aren't seeing eye-to-eye. The love is so immense that it hurts. It makes me sad because I have been there and there are times when I go back to visit.

While I am sitting here pondering the ins and outs of love, it seems that I have declined to focus on what is truly important, ME. I need to get myself together. Life hasn’t stopped, the world is still spinning. But it seems I have taken a break. It is amazing to know that an intelligent woman like me can be so dumb. So here it is, official as it can get, I am applying to get back into school so I can at least get my bachelors degree. I have wasted too much time already. If I cannot ace in this thing called love then I might as well work on what is truly important.

Rêves

The time is flying by and I am not sure where exactly it is going. These past few days haven’t been good ones for me but I made it through. I get on these roller coasters that seem to have a hold on me. I try to get off and there never seems to be a definitive way off.

I have this crazy dream the other night . . . I am back in high school and it is the end of the school year. I am apparently in the 12th grade and I am supposed to graduate. The thing is I get a letter from my teacher and it says that I have to go to summer school because I failed gym. The kicker is I am 30 years old! Okay, I immediately wake up from that nightmare. I never want to relive my high school years and neither do I want to go back to the excitement of summer school especially at the age of 30.

It seems that was just the beginning of the string of strange dreams these past few evenings.

My fiancé apparently decided that he and I would be just friends. I was apparently okay with it because he and I were on our way to church and he was dressed in Catholic vestments . . . yes, ladies and gentlemen, I ran the man into the priesthood. He was happy and giving hi5s to Fr Trout and Msg. Graham. (All Souls and St. Raymond's Catholic Church - respectively). I decided that it would be a good time to wake up.

Right now my head is filled with most people call dreams. What most people call dreams that I am starting to see is just that - dreams. I know there is a time to grow up and just get going with this thing we call life. I am starting to realize that my time is here. But I don't understand why some dreams cannot become reality. You know, it is hard to let go of dreams that have been with you for so long. But right now it hurts to hold onto something that really isn't there.

La musique vous incite à perdre la commande

Missy Elliot featuring Ciara and Fat Man Scoop: Music Makes You Lose Control . . . it is the truth I tell you.

A few weeks ago my fiancé and I were chilling and talking about R&B from when we were growing up . . . Dru Hill, En Vogue, SWV (Sisters With Voices), Blackstreet and Guy. I miss the days of when music was good enough that I could actually sing along with it. Don’t get me wrong, I do listen to the artists of today. I have a lot of respect for the people that are putting themselves out there and are trying.

Mary J. Blige gave me My Life, Jill Scott gave me Words & Sounds: Vol. 1, Maxwell took me to the Urban Hang Suite, D’Angelo put that spell on me with Voodoo, Alicia Keys let me read her diary with Diary of Alicia Keys, Anthony Hamilton told me where he comes from, Comin’ From Where I’m From, Boyz II Men took me to school with Cooleyhighharmony, Erykah Badu showed me what it was to practice Baduism. Jodeci told me I was Forever My Lady, Marques Houston proved to me that he is truly a Veteran, Playa gave me a toast with Cheers 2 U, of course, Quincy Jones proved he never left the hood with Back On The Block, New Edition came back with Home Again, Mint Condition is just that – Meant To Be Mint

I could go on and on because I am in love with music. The artists that have recently caught my attention are: Keyshia Cole, Chrisette Michelle, Raheem DeVaughn, Estelle, Robin Thicke, Justin Timberlake and J. Holiday. I listen to everything but they don’t always make it onto my playlists. There are those artists that have songs out there that I love but when I get the album it definitely leaves a lot to be desired. So I must say thank you to ITunes because now I have a way to get the music I want without the frills that surround the masterpieces.

On Tuesday, June 25, I sat down with my brother and his gf and we watched the 2008 BET Music Awards. I must say that I was impressed. My past experiences with awards shows have been that of disappointment. But I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed this one. There were positives and negatives but on the whole I loved it. My favorite moment was when Alicia Keys started her performance with “Teenage Love Affair” and surprised us all with SWV, En Vogue and TLC.

I have read some blog entries online that have bashed the ladies for not looking how they used to. I am not here to argue, I will say though that being able to see and hear them brought a big smile to my face. I am aware that these women have bigger things on their plates – family – so I understand and I thank them for helping me go back in time.

So sing along with me . . .

“I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak.I lose all control and something takes over me.In a daze and it's so amazing, it's not a phase.I want you to stay with me, by my side.I swallow my pride; your love is so sweet.It knocks me right off of my feet.I can't explain why your loving makes me weak.”

Combat ou vol?

I went to NY to see my babe and to celebrate my entrance into my newest decade . . . 30. Well, the fun had to come to an end. This is a synopsis about my return to FL.

The cab ride to the airport was like something out of a movie. The aggressive cabbie with the West Indian accent and a bad attitude. This guy seriously had me thinking there was a chance that I just might not make it. I made it from Parkchester in the Bronx to JFK in LI in about 15 minutes! This guy cut people off left and right, talked on the phone, flipped opposing drivers the bird and had mild pleasantries with me all at the same time ... scary.

So because of my super-speedy cab ride, I got there REALLY early. The guy at the bag drop counter looked at me like I was a nut ... my flight boards at 7pm (1900 - military time) and here I am looking at this guy at 430pm (1630 for you military folks). So, where is a good place to get "picked up" or "hit on" the airport of course. I got to get a cup of Joe, and here he comes, machismo in the flesh. He asked where am I off to ... French Vanilla Island is what he thought I said ... ROFL ... total misunderstanding ... I thought he asked what I was drinking (DD large french vanilla half/half sugar). In any case we were both hearing something totally different.

My flight was scheduled to take off at 1930 but of course that would make sense that it would take off on time. We were 40 minutes delayed, number 20 in line to be exact. I thought that okay, it is cool cause I usually sleep on the plane anyway ... unfortunately, this time I got the kid with ADD sitting next to me. Her mother thought she was slick and even tried to convince me that I was mistaken and that he purchased my seat for her kid. I saw right thru that one ... Whatever, the flight was long but thankfully we made it.

Apparently the men of the household determined that my SIL was incapable to pick me up at the airport ... so they sent brother #2. I was nervous but thankfully he came thru. (He has a history of not showing up when he promised to be there.) He made it just as I got to the carousal to get my bag. Of course in the mist of waiting for the bags to actually start coming around, my brother had to move the car. Okay, here is where it got a little strange . . . Brother #2 had to go around cause you know how they have to keep the traffic moving ... he got lost going in a circle. It was weird. I was like dude you were just here ... in any case, he realized where he ended up and finally we were on our way home.

I got home at about 1230 and then didn't fall asleep til about 0200 ... I got up at 0600 cause I had go into work. I scheduled myself to work ... apparently I am glutton for punishment. I think that was the longest 12 hour shift of my life. I made it though cause I am strong just like my mama.

Est-ce que je peux jamais rentrer à la maison encore?

I went to visit the place that I worked the longest and it was definitely a visit that I am glad I decided to do. The ladies at the job are just as funny as ever. They know who they are . . . My homegirls that I worked with and even went out with . . . got blasted with (remember that New Years Party?) I miss them ... I just don’t miss the actual job. There were a lot of reasons why I moved to Florida, one of those reasons being that I wasn’t happy there. I know ... I know ... THE GRASS AIN’T GREENER ... Trust me I knew it when I made the decision . . . I just needed some new grass to romp along in. To their credit, the Floridians broke through my veil of ice. They really aren’t as bad as I thought they would be. I think I might even be close to having some “homegirls” down in FL ... we will see cause it takes time for my heart and mind to open up.

Daddy was at it again ... and so was my mother.

I came home from work, when I was working 3-11, and my mother was sitting in front of the T.V. with a glazed look (she often has this look when she is working on getting that Oscar or Academy nomination). So I decided okay, I will help her get the nomination if not the award, so I ask, “What’s wrong?” Apparently I just drew open the curtain for the performance of a lifetime. My mother replied initially that she was fine but here I go insisting she tell me. She calmly looks at me and states that if she tells me, then I will wake at approximately 3AM laughing (okay, she’s lost it). So I sit down across from her and I tell her, “Spill it.”

So this is her story, I advise that you don’t eat or drink while reading this tale ...

Daddy and the Lizard

Daddy went outside on his day off to sweep the back porch as he usually did. In front of him as he swept was a lizard. Being the man that Daddy is, he opened the fence and swept the lizard into freedom.

Daddy went on with his day ... he went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, watched the news and took a nap. Later on in the day, Mom was up and watching television with Daddy. Daddy went to the restroom, Mom thought nothing of the action, until Daddy came out the bathroom with a strange look on his face. He said nothing but simply went into the kitchen and retrieved a bag and returned to the bathroom. So, of course by this time Mom was wondering what could be going on.

Daddy came out of the restroom, walked straight to the back door, and released the lizard that spent the day in his PANTS into freedom.

**I learned that while it might feel right, I just can’t always stay in the same place neither can I go back and think it will be just as it was before I left. Change is a good thing – especially if I am the lizard**

Expérience acquise

I guess the appropriate start would be to say Happy Father's Day to all the special men in my life.

Okay, so here is it . . . I love my dad, even though he never says it, I know he loves me too. I decided to give him a call and let him know just that. I wanted to know what exactly he would say . . . there was about 15 to 20 seconds of silence. And then he hung up . . . ROFL. Poor man didn't know what to say . . . it's okay cause I know he loves me. My brother is a dad, I guess he learned everything from our dad . . . it was like I was stuck in The Twilight Zone . . . except my brother actually said good-bye before he hung up. (Thank goodness, God the Father doesn't hang up, his line is always open for me to talk and ask all types of silly questions.)

In other news . . . I have learned that love isn't supposed to hurt. I also learned that it isn't perfect. It isn't that I didn't know this already, its just that my mother decided to let me know cause it seems like I am the one that listens . . . little does she know (I love you Mommy!).

Why is it that when I went to go get my hair braided, it became an all day affair? I got in the hair at 10am and was finally done at 8pm. The next day when I decided to get my paws and claws taken care of, it seemed as if the nail specialist was trying to pull one over on me . . . I said no thanks, I pulled an all day affair already for the week.

Did you know if you don't pay your rent on time, eventually your landlord won't renew your lease? I found that one out the hard way . . .

If all I want to eat is cheesecake for dinner it is okay cause I am an adult.

As long as you keep true to yourself then life will be like a summer peach . . . SWEET. What other people think truly comes secondary to what you believe and feel to be right.

Début

Turning 30 wasn't so bad. I dreaded it for the past year. Finally the day came and nothing happened. I didn't get one gray hair nor did I suddenly disappear into oblivion. I guess, I over did it. So for now I am just taking it one day at a time. It isn't like I wasn't doing that from the beginning, it is just my insecurities popping up and trying to make themselves real.

I graduated from HS in '96 and then went to college for 6 years (never graduated) and basically here I am. I am a hard worker that secretly loves what she does . . . I answer phones and smile (a lot). The thing is, if you know me, smiling is few and far inbetween. No, I am not depressed . . . I just reserve those smiles for the people I love (and for the few I like).

Here I am and there you are . . . reading my thoughts. I have always wanted to start a blog, so I decided that I would do just that.