"Life is a puzzle. Sometimes it makes us laugh. Sometimes it makes us cry."
For a few years now I have been trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing and where I am suppose to be. Frankly I am not sure if the answer has been presented to me and maybe I just didn’t see it. Or maybe I want the answer to just present itself so I can just move along and get it all going.
Yea right, what will I really do when I get that answer? Am I going to go full fledged into it and make sure my dream becomes a reality? Or will I do what I always do and cower in a corner complaining that it is all too hard for me to handle?
Obviously, I have been allowing life to pass me by.
My nephew is 3 and my niece is 5. Their innocence is amazing and that is something that I miss most about my youth. I was not exposed the harsh realities of life – at least it wasn’t placed on a platter in my face.
There are days that I just that I want to give up trying to do anything and everything. I don’t want to get out of bed; I have no appetite; life just is just kicking me in the ass.
I hate my job – at least truly, I just hate being on the bottom. I hate the fact that I am SCARED to make that move to better myself. I am frightened of failure. I am over the “disappointing my parents” thing. I already know that my parents feel that I am just mooching off of them and that I am wasting my life right now. No real encouragement there. What is on my mind is, how do I overcome this feeling of rejection? I am not quite sure how to accomplish that one.
These are a few things that I once wanted to do but was too afraid to pursue:
1. Pediatric Nurse/Pediatrician – I love to be around children
2. Anything in music – I love to sing, always wanted to learn to read, write and compose music
3. Architectural design – technical design was my favorite class in HS
4. Business management – I had the hopes of one day owning my own business
5. Teacher (Mathematician) – my mother totally knocked that out of the box cause she said teachers didn’t make enough money …
6. At one point I majored in English – I wanted to teach or possibly go into journalism
7. Plus-sized modeling – I have a pretty face and I am plus sized – then I found out I was too FAT to be a PLUS SIZED model – (go figure)
8. Computer Engineer – I realized that wasn’t something I could truly dedicate myself doing
9. Social worker – I like helping people, but I was easily discouraged. The argument was that working as a social worker wasn’t worth the time or energy.
10. Personal Assistant – This is actually something new to the list. I am good at problem solving and simply getting things done. I have great organizational skills. I am just not very good at putting myself out there to be SEEN and recognized as someone you NEED.
Okay, so here I am. I am beginning to understand that life is what I make it. I cannot blame the people in my past present or future for the decisions that I have made, am making or will make.
2009 will be an interesting year because this is definitely the year of change.
2 comments:
I've worked with you for over a year now. I Know, from having known many intelligent people, that you are very intelligent. I know you would be a great nurse, pediatric or otherwise. If I ever strick it rich you're the frist person I'd ask to be my personal assistant. I've had you in mind for a while. I just haven't gotten rich. Yet.
-You just need to get out of that house. The fastest way to change your life is to make yourself scared shitless. Fuck- Shirly's making me get off the computeer.
I never really changed until I forced myself to move, and then to not ever come back, except for free meals. Suddenly Any job was good enough at the time.
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