MIDDLE

I am currently listening to Jill Scott’s Golden. That song I must say fill me to the brim and makes the smile that is buried deep come to surface.

Today is one of those days that I really enjoy. I am in the MIDDLE. I am neither happy nor sad. I woke up at about 10am and got my day started. I headed over to the church for the disposition of ashes (it is Ash Wednesday – FYI). Anyway, I got to the church and things are going alright. Even now my day is ending on a positive note. I am in the MIDDLE. I sure wish all my days were like today.

I am not your typical Catholic. I am not the Christian that changes into someone different when Sunday comes. I am ME each and everyday of the year. I try to do what is right. I am no leader and I am no follower. I like to eat good food, listen to good music, and shake my butt on the dance floor, pretending that I am the hottest woman in the room.

Tests come in all shapes and forms. Whether it is the person that cut you off on I-4 or the person that seems like they don’t want to take your order in what used to be your favorite restaurant. The kids cry and whine ALL DAY. Your parents say whatever comes to mind because they don’t believe in biting their tongues. Your boss obviously believes you are an idiot.

Lent to me means to learn how take each and every event that comes at you with a grain of salt. There are lessons to be learned and prizes to be earned.

Life is a puzzle

"Life is a puzzle. Sometimes it makes us laugh. Sometimes it makes us cry."

For a few years now I have been trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing and where I am suppose to be. Frankly I am not sure if the answer has been presented to me and maybe I just didn’t see it. Or maybe I want the answer to just present itself so I can just move along and get it all going.

Yea right, what will I really do when I get that answer? Am I going to go full fledged into it and make sure my dream becomes a reality? Or will I do what I always do and cower in a corner complaining that it is all too hard for me to handle?

Obviously, I have been allowing life to pass me by.

My nephew is 3 and my niece is 5. Their innocence is amazing and that is something that I miss most about my youth. I was not exposed the harsh realities of life – at least it wasn’t placed on a platter in my face.

There are days that I just that I want to give up trying to do anything and everything. I don’t want to get out of bed; I have no appetite; life just is just kicking me in the ass.

I hate my job – at least truly, I just hate being on the bottom. I hate the fact that I am SCARED to make that move to better myself. I am frightened of failure. I am over the “disappointing my parents” thing. I already know that my parents feel that I am just mooching off of them and that I am wasting my life right now. No real encouragement there. What is on my mind is, how do I overcome this feeling of rejection? I am not quite sure how to accomplish that one.

These are a few things that I once wanted to do but was too afraid to pursue:

1. Pediatric Nurse/Pediatrician – I love to be around children
2. Anything in music – I love to sing, always wanted to learn to read, write and compose music
3. Architectural design – technical design was my favorite class in HS
4. Business management – I had the hopes of one day owning my own business
5. Teacher (Mathematician) – my mother totally knocked that out of the box cause she said teachers didn’t make enough money …
6. At one point I majored in English – I wanted to teach or possibly go into journalism
7. Plus-sized modeling – I have a pretty face and I am plus sized – then I found out I was too FAT to be a PLUS SIZED model – (go figure)
8. Computer Engineer – I realized that wasn’t something I could truly dedicate myself doing
9. Social worker – I like helping people, but I was easily discouraged. The argument was that working as a social worker wasn’t worth the time or energy.
10. Personal Assistant – This is actually something new to the list. I am good at problem solving and simply getting things done. I have great organizational skills. I am just not very good at putting myself out there to be SEEN and recognized as someone you NEED.

Okay, so here I am. I am beginning to understand that life is what I make it. I cannot blame the people in my past present or future for the decisions that I have made, am making or will make.

2009 will be an interesting year because this is definitely the year of change.